“Choose a partner that you can go to war with.” Ancient proverb Part 5/5

The howling ring of the mobile phone startles everyone.  The phone does not ring very often in Mona's household.  She is mostly forgotten by her children unless they need her help with money, childcare and of course getting fed.  Mona does not mind.  At least she is needed in some ways, in any way.  Throughout her whole life, she has never felt wanted, not by her father as being a girl in a traditional Chinese family, she was of less value, making less financial and labour contribution to the family and would be eventually "married out." She was never truly wanted by her husband.  He is her first and only man.  She did not expect anything as she did not know what to expect and got nothing from him.  Her mother never talked about marital life, inside and outside of the bedroom, with Mona.  There was little love, affection, or attention.  Can you imagine the first time she was naked with her husband?  The horror. The embarrassment.   The awkwardness. Intimacy is slowly replaced by the sense of duty performed by the wife to the husband.  Then the children came.

Her granddaughter gives Mona a new surge of life.  She gets tired easily now but she has no rest.  Every day she drags herself out of bed mustering all the energy from her cells and getting Anna ready for school.  She knows Anna is the only hope in the family to make something of herself.  Anna deserves all the love she can get; all the love Mona has not had in her life.   Her dear Anna deserves the best start in life.  Mona does not know what the best start in life means but she knows too well what a neglected start of life would do to a person.  It is a love-love relationship between Anna and Mona but unfortunately the same cannot be said between Anna and her dad.  The love is one way.

"You on your way?  Anna has been waiting for you!"

"…"

"Is it Daddy?  Grandma, is it Daddy?  Grandmaaaaaa…." Anna tries to grab the phone from Mona's hand.  Mona gently pushes Anna away. 

"…"

"You CANNOT be serious!  Come on!  You did the same thing last weekend.  You said you would come.  You PROMISED you would!"

"…"

"No no no!  Nine is far too late.  She has school tomorrow!  She needs to be in bed by 7.30!  No no no!  You can't!"

Anna's arm is still hanging on her grandma's arm and now slowly dropping.  She knows Daddy is not coming for her tonight.  The first time her dad disappointed her, she cried the whole night.  Her eyes were like walnuts the next day.  The teacher asked her why and her schoolmates looked at her funny, she did not say a word.  What to say?  Most of her friends live with their parents.  How can she tell them she only sees her father from time to time?  Throughout class, she tried so hard to concentrate.  She saw the teacher move her mouth but did not hear one word.  She stared straight into the blackboard hoping it would swallow her whole and take her far far away.   The sense of abandonment once again envelopes her now, suffocating her.  She wants to scream at the top of her lungs, right there, right now, in front of her mum, grandma and all these aunties.  She wants the world to know she is hurt, she is upset.  But nothing comes out of her mouth.  You see, it takes courage to scream.  Anna has none.  She feels insignificant, lonely and helpless.  The frustration, like sharp claws, tears her ribcage apart from the inside out.  What Anna does not know is life will give her more of what she fears and hates the most.  Eventually, the rejection will numb all her senses.  She will succumb to a walking corpse, just like her mother, giving up on herself like so many others have given up on her.  From one generation to the next, the curse passes on.  Mona will never see that; she will be long gone by then. For the time being, she lives in hope.

The sun has set now and darkness has descended. It is time for us to go.  Ah Ling's husband calls and offers her a lift home.  No, she said, don't bother, it is easy enough to take the tube.  This is her ultimate revenge on his unfaithfulness, her refusal of his kindness, the rebuttal of his thoughtfulness.  It infuriates him.  She knows.  That is why she does it.  She has not forgiven him and she never will.  It is the passive aggressiveness that her husband cannot stand and look for solace outside of the marriage.  He knows what he did to her was wrong so accepts her refutation.  He is in his 70s now, he tells himself, and there are not a lot of years left, so he concedes, just like many years ago how Ah Ling bore his betrayal.  Someone should have warned him earlier what comes round goes round.

This thing called life.

A merry-go-round.

#adayinthejungle #loveandloss #marriage